Why Me

We have all been to the point, the place of brokenness when we finally fall

To our knees and ask God the Father, Why? Why now, Why this, why, why, why? 

And if you have not been to this place, my dear friend, chances are you will. At some point things will become 

Unmanageable, unbearable unthinkable. For me this time came on what seemed and started out 

On a routine day, my yearly checkup to the Doctors office.  Things went well, and was heading to check out when the Doctor looks at me and said wait, I have not checked your heart. As he listened,  his expression changed, his response caught me off guard,  You. Have a heart Murmur.

I have had the same doctor for 14 years, so this was a shock, how can this be I ask? Why did it show up know? Was my next question.  We must run some test to find out more. So they  started, only one at first, the conclusion, Moderate to Severe Aortic Stenosis, a enlarged aortic artery and possible blockages. Later we would find out via more test that not only was my heart valve bad, but I had a birth defect. A hereditary condition called a Bi-cusp heart valve, see a normal Aortic valve should be a three-piece valve that looks somewhat like a Mercedes Benz symbol. Mine was a two-piece valve that looks like an S shape. 

WHY, Why, me , why now. At 57 why, why why. I was filled with more questions and feared the answers. And this story is just getting started.  Between medical test and the healthcare insurance company, this will be a wild tell.

Let’s go back to the beginning, no, not my beginning, our beginning. Let’s go to Revelation 1:8 and Revelation 22:13, “ I Am Alpha and Omega, The Beginning and the Ending “. So, see this journey is not even remotely possible without the Father in heaven.  See I bring up this verse to show us, God knows everything , from our conception to our last breath. The very first question I had for God was this, “ if this was a birth defect why then did this happen?” the answer took as long as the date for surgery. The questions continued to come, both medical and spiritual question, some days the questions far outnumbered the answers. 

As time passed, so did more test, and finally some answers. As this process started two scriptures became part of my daily life, and morning prayers. 

Jeremiah 17:14 “Heal me O Lord, and I shall be healed; save me O Lord and I shall be saved, for you are my praise.” A few thoughts on this verse, 1st as a believer in Christ and his death for my sins, I am already saved. 2nd because of that faith I already praise him, so why would he not Heal me? The verse does not say, I might heal you if your life is sin free, does not say, I might heal you if this or that. Its says “ I shall be healed"

Deuteronomy 30:19 “ I have set before you life and death, blessing and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live.”. This verse also became part of my daily prayers, I remember reading this early on along this journey.  And made this declaration for life on a daily basis. I firmly believe these two verses set the course and direction of my journey. I could have accepted that this as my fate and excepted death, and that would have been my outcome.  But I refused, the devil just needed defeated in this area. 

My Medical doctor sent me to a Cardiologist, and the real testing started, a sonogram, CT scans, EKGS, Upper and Lower Heart Cath, and some I can’t even remember. We had gone in about 4 months’ time from a Aortic Stenosis, enlarged arteries and blockages all that was leading to an open-heart surgery.  To no blockages, in fact the doctors’ exact words to my wife was, “ I don’t know what you're doing to him, but don't stop, he has the cleanest arteries we have ever seen!”. And also, the artery is enlarged but still within tolerance to Install a new valve.  Open heart surgery was out, for now, and a new term I had to learn, TVAR, Trans Vascular Aortic Replacement. In simply terms, a new valve installed in a cage and then inserted in your groin and pushed up into your heart and is inserted over top your old valve. But this Cardiologist cannot do this procedure, so alI am my medical records are transferred to another hospital with a Cardiologist that specializes in this procedure.

While all this testing is going on, I had begun the pain stacking process of changes in my personal life. A treadmill I bought and a series exercise routine was started. See, remember those bible verses, you can pray all you want, but if you don’t put in the effort the changes you seek will not happen.  To make any life  altering change it takes a three pronged approach,  physically,  spiritual and mentally only then will you succeed.  Walking started in late July, slowly at first, and by mid August I was at 3 to 4 mph at a 3% grade for 1 hour. September hit and a goal was set, 100 miles walking on the treadmill in 30 days. Last of September came and 125 miles walking was the final result, but a price was paid. Unknown to me, my heart valve had started to go from moderate/severe to sever. A clock had started, and it counted backwards, but still I prayed, and believed, and soon the answers started to flow.

The new Cardiologists continued with more testing, more mapping and measuring for what was supposed to come. Finally with all the answers in place a date for surgery was set, May 16, 2023. 

With nervous apprehension we waited for this day, but it would come and pass, with no surgery. See our Healthcare insurance provider came to the conclusion they would not pay for it. TAVR was not an approved procedure.  Even though about 3 million people have had it done, it would not happen. So we appealed and denied again. See at this point I could have accepted this outcome and prepared for death. Remember Jeremiah 17:14, and Deuteronomy 30:19? Well, this is the place I come to my knees, and double down on my faith.

After all my walking in September, I tried best I could in October November and December, but a few miles a week is all I could handle.  And through all this and the denial of my insurance provider not a word from any Doctor about anything.  Until I go back to my medical Doctor where this all started one year ago. You look better,  lost some weight, that’s good, what did they do to your heart? Not a damn thing I replied.  Insurance provider denied the procedure and neither Cardiologist has followed up. All you doctors got quiet when the money dries up. I replied.  To say I pushed a button was an understatement, but he needed to hear what I had to say. He later backed off is tone , and said, just because we ( the medical staff) failed don’t give up. You must fight and see this through.  Or one day soon, your heart will just stop. Another Why moment.  

Back to the same two Cardiologist, and more testing to compare last year to this one. They did not need many to confirm what we all knew. My heart valve had gone from Moderate/severe to severe. I And once I hit that bench mark, I was literally a walking ticking time bomb waiting for a special moment.  18 to 24 months from the time you cross that point is when the average heart will stop if not fixed. I was at 6 months into that count down clock. I had about 1 year left. But still I prayed, and believed.  In fact I never doubted my recovery.  Just how would it happen? Was the question, by a doctors hand or the hand of God himself?

Last time I saw the Cardiologist that fixed my heart was in his office in early May 2024. He assured me that the insurance company did not have a leg to stand on, and this would be approved.  All I needed was one more doctors visit to a Pulmonary surgeon,  just incase something went wrong during my procedure,  and they would get the ball rolling.  I will remember this next chain of events for the rest of my life. It was Wednesday May 9 2024 about 9am, my phone rang, I looked it was the Cardiologist office. A wonderful sounding happy voice on the other end, Mr . Speelman,  this is Julie we have a date for your surgery,  the 13th. 13th of June I asked ? No May, this coming Monday.  So this was approved I ask? Yeah we just got off a telemedicine call with the provider it is a go! I will take Monday, I said and hung up. Said YES, Thank you God and called my wife. 

Monday came, we went to the hospital,  got checked in and the preparation work started. The nurses asked if I wanted anything, I thought for a moment and said yes, I have one request.  I don’t want to be put under for this, I want to stay awake. WHY would you want that one replied softly? Because I want to remember the exact moment in time when your body is healed I said, I want that moment etched into my mind! Sorry she said no can do. But I truly understand  she said. Preparations finished up and into the OR I rolled. Just four people inside the room at that moment,  I remember them moving me from one bed to another,  and lights out. Like a switch was tuned off. Next thing i remember was them pushing me out of the OR, I remember the doors opening and watching the ceiling tiles pass by, i counted two smoke detectors on the ceiling. Now why would I count smoke detectors, because I knew how far they should be placed, this gave me a distance of how far they pushed me. No more than 75 feet from the OR doors to recovery,  I see several nurses around me  and my first words was, “ everyone stop, just stop. (I needed to get a sense how I felt)  what's wrong  they asked? Almost with a sense of panic in their voice, nothing I replied, In fact, all the pain I felt in my chest was gone, the heart burn in my throat gone, the shortness of breath gone. It’s all gone I said. 

I still thank God for that moment, 

The recovery in the Hospital was indeed the worst part of this physical journey, while the staff was most wonderful people. I had no problem telling them what a blessing they all had been. Still 8 hours on my back in one spot , hooked to all kinds of stuff trying to recover is not a good time.  Just 24 hours after surgery I was discharged a healed man. Special thanks to the love of my life, my wonderful wife who sat beside me every moment of this journey, and also the Cardiologist that did this surgery, he is truly a blessed man. 

Before I get to the post surgery part of this journey, let’s go back and look at some spiritual items. Remember the birth defect, and my questioning this, why me.  While we will never understand Gods way. Isaiah 55:8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways mine, saith the Lord".

Roman’s 8:28 gives us a clue. “All things work together for good to them that love God. To them who are called according to his purpose.” . Romans 8:28-29, also gives us some insight on this, “28 And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to his purpose.  29 For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be confirmed to the image of his Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren.” Remember this also, this defect of my valve is hereditary, and may have been possibly passed down from countless generations, it is only now, with me, that it is uncovered and identified.  So, the why? Two-fold I believe, 1st the correction of a medical defect and 2nd, to bring glory to God from the telling of my story, in my opinion.  The Cardiologist that preformed this procedure, while a very humble man, and I believe a deeply Godly one, came to my room to sign my discharge papers.  I remember him walking in my room, and with all that I could muster,  shock his hand and thanked him for what he did. I don’t know if he hears those words much, but do know he took them to heart, he immediately excused  himself and walked out. See what we did not know and what I would find out two days after discharge was that our Insurance provider denied my surgery for a third time. I got the paperwork days after I got home. This doctor called a pier to pier review, that doctor immediately authorized the surgery. I told you this was a wild tale. One more small item before I move on, back In early May 2023 when I was in the doctors office before surgery.  He said something that still sticks in my mind. He said, “ most of the patients that have this procedure,  are in their early 70s to late 70s and up. It is rare for a person of under 70, let alone under 60. So how you respond after surgery is up to you. We have not much data to tell you what to expect. “your upside we can't predict. 

Post surgery, I never thought about the post side of this journey until that time came. However  that was the Interesting and fun part . I had two hours of cardio -rehab three days a week. One hour of physical exercise,  and another hour in class. Exercise was spent, on treadmills,  bikes, weights, all while hooked to a heart monitor. Classroom was spend cooking healthier,  learning about food labels and nutrition.  Actually learned a bit about how bad our food really is. But also it was back to my personal working out. Back to the walking and setups. So physically  after 2+ years I was finally on the mend. Spiritual we are always on the mend, always more to polish and things to fix. Mentally this took a little  while. So much mental energy goes into fighting any healthcare issue that it can drain you. Even on a daily basis as I prayed for strength to continue to fight, the devil tried to place doubt in my mind and physical elements in my work and daily life. This my friends is why this is a three-prong approach.  

Back to my history for a moment, way back to late 1983 early 1984. We had just buried my cousin a Marine that was killed in the bomb blast in Lebanon.  So, I enlisted into to Air force, I had always wanted to work on planes and see the world.  Signed the enlistment papers and was scheduled for my physical.  Remind you I was a senior and played two sports in school, so I was very active and fit. However, I failed my physical because of high blood pressure.  My parents took me to the family doctor, and they could find no issues. Why do I bring this up? High BP is the one big sign of a bad value.  Also, most of the males on my father’s side had not lived past the age of about 60. All, died from, you guessed it. Heart issues! Now what I have not told you is this, before my diagnosis, my weight had hit the scales of 300 pounds, give or take a few pounds.  So to say this is a journey is an understatement.  Anyone that goes through weight loss will tell you, you will have good days and bad, days of progress and setbacks. Physically you will have days when exercise is not an option, mentally you will days when the mind just can't.  But Philippians 4:13 “ I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" you will find what you need to battle on, to fight and yes win your” Why me" battles, this verse is yet another that finds its way into my morning Prayers.  

So my final words are don’t give up, choose Life, pray, and believe and above all. Just Love the journey.  

By 

Emmett Speelman